Of timelines...

For the one who requires help to walk,
Help him to walk. Let him learn to walk by himself.

For the one who knows how to walk,
Watch from the side, give help when he falls.

For the one who has learned to run,
Show the goal post and encourage him to reach there.

EK

Of more photoes from the sea...

Fast Crew Boat approaching the platform from the deep blue sea...

Off to back home after work...



Blogging now from the sea. Some photoes taken over the past 3 weeks while in the sea.

The Broken Branch...

THE BROKEN BRANCH

Backwards let my life rewind

Until my life is here no more.

No memory left that I had lived

Or ever entered this life's door.

----------------------

Erase the words in poetry written

And the ones in life were spoken;

Release me now and I'll return

To nothingness and be forgotten.

----------------------

A tiny seed that Christ pre-knew

And sent me here to be a tree

But I am barren and bare no fruit;

This broken branch I know as me.

----------------------

Off the ground, please raise my limb

And gently secure it to the vine;

Remove the clouds that shadow me

And let the sun on me to shine.

----------------------

The cry of Job, is what I pray?

That I return back to the womb?

To be remembered never more

Or visited within my tomb?

----------------------

Nay, this cannot be, the words I say,

Or the things of which I pray.

For life is precious and so am I

As well as words I so deny

----------------------

Within my writes, reveals my soul,

that let's you see the barren tree.

A tiny blossom, I see appear:

Just a bud, I see in me

And this I write upon a scroll.

----------------------
-Gloria Sarasin-

View from my office...

Leaving for home at dusk...

Leaving for home 2 at dusk...

Flare stack and Vent at dusk. That fire is 7m high!..

Dawn..view of Mt. Kinabalu covered in clouds in background..

Dawn 2..view of Mt. Kinabalu covered in clouds in background..

The fog at sea at dawn...

The approach of a violent sea storm...

The approach of a violent sea storm 2...

We outrunning the approaching sea storm...

Temporary home on a massive barge. The platform looks small next to it!...

The view of the sun coming out at dawn, with Mt. Kinabalu in the background

The view of the sun coming out at dawn 2, with Mt. Kinabalu in the background

Mt. Kinabalu at dawn....

My dear office...Boat transfer of personnel...

The view from my platform in the evening....

Boat transfer of personnel from platfrom to FCB...

Boat transfer of personnel from platfrom to FCB 2...

what I see when i look out my office window...

what I see when i look out my office window 2...

Approaching FCB to jacket platforms

I've never ever put up any photoes of my work place. So I decided i'll put them out today. I love the sea. It calms me and keeps me peaceful. Im glad Im never far away from the sea with this job. Next time Ill put up picture of my on-shore office, which by the way also has a sea view from out my office window :) Im lucky in some ways...

-EK-

Of Birthdays...

Today I turned 32. What a journey! I had a small do with a couple of friends last night. It was a strange feeling last night when the clock struck 12. This time last year, so many effects were different. I was in Kl, in-between jobs, financially tight and the future at that point looked very bleak. Fast-forward one year. Im Sarawak now, financially stable, working a dream job in a top global company and there are so many things to look forward to this year. I lost a close friend on New Years Day. Something I thought would never happen but it actually did. It has been a hard year. It had fluctuated immensely and only now it is beginning to settle down. Every year I look forward to my birthday. It is a special day for me. It is the day when you appreciate where you have been, what you have experienced and where you will be going. It is the day you appreciate that you are still HERE, now, healthy and alive. It is the day you thank the LORD for all HE has given, and try to learn from the mistakes of the previous year. However, this year, as the clock stuck 12, I had this immense empty feeling inside, a void, a gap. I have come this far professionally, in my job. But why do I still feel empty inside. Perhaps its the fact that the person I love is across the sea; I am in a new land, new job, and new people, new experiences. I thought long and hard about this the whole of last night when I should have been celebrating. Most guys would give an arm and a leg to be in my company, doing my job, to be as financially rewarded, to be in my position. But then, why am I still empty? I think the emptiness stems from wanting to start my own family, wanting to have children, wanting to finally hang up my laurels and settle down. I look forward to the day when I do walk down that isle, carry my first born, to hold and to protect, to have someone to call my of my own flesh and blood. Perhaps its the age, my biological clock has started ticking and the things that use to excite me once no longer does. All my friends are married with children. When I see them happy with their wives and children, the emptiness inside grows stronger. Perhaps it is time I seriously started thinking of this. It frightens me. It really does. What if I make a wrong decision? What if my time has not come yet come and I am jumping the gun? What if something goes wrong after that? Everywhere I go, the first question people ask me is when am I going to get married and settle down. Is it really that easy? How come other people can do this so easily and I cannot? What is that I lack that other have in them? Are my expectations too high? I need a partner, a soul mate, to share my dreams, to rejoice in my accomplishments, to be there when I am sad. I have someone very special in my life now that fulfils all of this. Perhaps this year would be the year I take the next step? Perhaps the next year? This birthday is a birthday of mixed emotions, of the past, of the future, of where I am standing today. Perhaps HE will show me a sign, a light at the end of this long dark tunnel, perhaps a glimmer of what I need to do and how to do it. I need that from HIM. I really do.

To my unborn child...

My unborn child,
I do not know where to start but I do know I want to talk to you. Although you do not exist in this point of my life, you have always been the pinnacle and direction of my life since I was young. I have no idea how you will be, how you will look, feel or even smell. But I do know that I want to carry you, to hear you cry, to hear you laugh. I want to be there experiencing every single moment of your life, to love you, to take care of you and help you up when you fall. Its feels so strange talking to this piece of paper now, but I know you will come into my life one day, my child. You will brighten up my horizons and become my new reason to live. You will become a reality one day. I hope when you do, that you will remember that I loved you even before you existed.

The day you are born will the happiest moment of my life. No words will ever be able to describe how I will feel on that day. I do not want much from you in this life. I hope you will grow up to be a person that will make me proud one day. I will toil endlessly to provide for you every single manner and opportunity, so that you may have every single opportunity out there. Every opportunity I did not have or did not take. I do not want you to make the same mistakes I have done in my life, nor I do hope to make the same mistakes my father did, and I hope that you will learn them slowly as we grow up together.

I want to feel you asleep next to me, in my bed, to smell your fragrance, to hug you and protect you from the cruelties of this world. I want to help you take you first steps, bring you to school, teach you, hold you. You will probably never know how much I feel and love you and. I will gladly give up everything that I have, my life, sacrifice every single fiber of my body to protect you, to guide you and ensure that you have a good life, even when I may not be around anymore one day.

I miss you my child. I don’t know how is it possible to miss someone who does not exist so much. But I do. I know that’s what I feel. My heart cries out to you every single day, dreams of you, talks to you and cuddles you. You are always on my mind, when I see other children round me, when I hear a baby cry or smell a sleeping child. You have always been there my child. I hope you will become my reality soon. I need you.

Love always
Your Father

Of Pain...

Of Pain
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears
-Kahlil Gibrahn-

Of Oneness...

For what is the beloved? She is that which I myself am not. In the act of love, I am pure male, and she is pure female. She is she, and I am I, and clasped together with her, I know how perfectly she is not me, how perfectly I am not her, how utterly we are two, the light and the darkness, and how infinitely and eternally, not-to-be-comprehended by either of us is the surpassing One we make.

-D.H. Lawrence-

Of patience...

Patience

Shed a tear 'cause

I'm missing you

I'm still alright to smileGirl,

I think about you every day now

Was a time when I wasn't sure

But you set my mind at ease

There is no doubt you're in my heart now

Said woman take it slow

It'll work itself out fine

All we need is just a little patience

Said sugar make it slow

And we'll come together fine

All we need is just a little patience

Sit here on the stairs

'Cause I'd rather be alone

If I can't have you right now

I'll wait dear

Sometimes, I get so tense

But I can't speed up the time

But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider

Said woman take it slow

Things will be just fine

You and I'll just use a little patience

Said sugar take the time

'Cause the lights are shining bright

You and I've got what it takes to make it

We won't fake it, Oh never break it

'Cause I can't take it

-Guns & Roses-

Of Love...

"If you create the space and the desire to have love in your heart as your top priority, you’ll start to see that you have the capacity to make loving decisions, and to have loving reactions, and to become nondefensive, and to become a better listener … and pretty soon a little annoyance will come your way or someone will do something wrong … and you’ll just find yourself forgiving them. You’ll find yourself not wanting to be thrown off-center simply to follow some negative train of thought that’s going to bring you somewhere you don’t want to go. You’ll find yourself able to stay in that feeling of love - and when you do, almost everything else magically takes care of itself … love is the most important answer in life."

- Richard Carlson-

Of Hope...

It has been ages since I wrote at this spot. I’ve even got a comment that asks whether my “mind no longer conflicts nor fuses anymore?” from someone. Hmmm….strange... So many things have changed since back then. Some for the better, some for the worse, others at status quo. There are new challenges now. Thought I’d share something that’s playing in my mind right now.

I will come to you
When you have no light to guide you

And no one to walk to walk beside you

I will come to you

Oh I will come to you

When the night is dark and stormy

You wont have to reach out for me

I will come to you

Oh I will come to you

Sometimes when all your dreams may have seen better days

And you dont know how or why, but youve lost your way

Have no fear when your tears are fallin

I will hear your spirit callin

And I swear Ill be there come what may

Cause even if we cant be together

We'll be friends now and forever

And I swear that Ill be there come what may

When the night is dark and stormy

You wont have to reach out for me

I will come to you

Oh I will come to you

We all need somebody we can turn to

Someone wholl always understand

So if you feel that your soul is dyin

And you need the strength to keep tryin

Ill reach out and take your hand

-Hanson-

It’s nice to be back.
–KE-

SHALL I compare thee to a summer’s day?

how do pen this? My sails have no more wind in them. I know no other way to express what i am feeling now. One day I hope you will understand...

SHALL I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm’d,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature’s changing course untrimm’d:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

-The Sonnets-18, William Shakespheare-

Of Paradox...

….Why is it when you are closest to a person, the furthest apart you actually are and the farthest apart you are, the closest you will be with that person? That’s paradoxical… -EK-

Of Seeking...

...Is it possible to encounter your soul mate in this lifetime? A rare few ever reach such a level of togetherness with another being or find someone so special. It is a subconscious level of bond with a partner where words can never hope to communicate what needs to be said, where conversations take place in the heart, where dreams are coherently formulated, and where both minds think as one. Myth? No, not from my experience. To be one with another person at such a level is in itself a gift that very few have come to experience, many more wish they had, and those that have experienced it, desperately seek it out, hoping to find it once more but rarely do… -EK-

Of Journeys...

...the hazy path is littered with broken hearts from forgotten tales of long ago, lain strewn on the path which many tortured souls have previously passed. Elapse tales of successes and failures is borne by the soul as its attempts to fulfill the chosen destiny as it naturally seeks to satisfy its innermost desires. Through this broken unrelenting maze, the journey seem naught bright and rosy, but a dark and forbidden undertaking, with no promise of success or failure in the end. For it is a journey, for which all souls must undertake one day, in order to achieve a higher sense of worth, and peace from within. It is the journey of all souls lost in the in the intricate maze of what is known as life. The paradox of life is such, and for the soul to carry on further into the dark unknown, there is but one flicker of hope, self perseverance, the ability to not give up when the cards are down, the ability to stand tall when all hope seems lost and when the promise of the next rays of sunshine may never appear on the horizon. It is through this unknowns and uncertainty, may the value of experiences be appreciated and fulfilled. It is also through this searching, the soul seeks to find its own redemption and self worth as it continues on this never-ending journey into the dark and forbidden unknown…

Of the Fire Within...

Fire Within

Look deep into my eyes, what do you see?
Deep within its shadowy depths, a fire still burns,
The fire was nearly extinguished, that part of me,
Dying flame may it be now, but it is still alive,
As it always shall be, as it always will be.

The fire within grows stronger, day by day,
As the seasons pass, so shall the hurt,
As the moons change, so shall the past,
The fire within grows, fueled by the determination,
To search for something that will finally last.

The future is bright, it is forgiving, and it is so rich,
Unknown may it be, rough may my journey be,
I will continue on this journey, fueled by my fire,
To places and experiences which I so still long,
To taste the beauty of life, to taste life’s fire.

There is so much to do, so much to see,
Love, joys, sadness’s, losses, achievements,
All of these, I will experience, for these are the keys,
All of these I will savior, each single one emotion,
So that one day, I may leave this world truly in peace.

Help me; show me the moon, for I will show you the sun,
Show me what is love, for I will show you what care is,
Show me undying loyalty, for I will show you lasting faithfulness,
Show and teach me who am I, and I will show and teach you who you are,
Help me, fuel this fire within, for it is you, who will bask in its warmness.

This fire within will never die, it shall always live,
It just needs help, it needs your care, it needs a bit of love,
To fuel it back to the raging fire it once was, glowing brightly,
So that it may light your darkest hours, your weakest days,
You have the key, the fuel to do this, of this I know lately.

Look deep into my eyes, do you see now?
Do you see your part? What you must do?
Help me as I will help you; fuel my fire as yours I fuel,
Together, our fire will be unstoppable, invincible,
Together, we shall overcome, all of this life’s duel.

-EK-

Of family departed...

This has been sad fortnight for me. My grandmother passed away. She was 82 and she lived to bring up 7 children and see 11 grandchildren grow up altogether. She has been sick for quite some time now and last Saturday, after being unconscious for about a week, she slipped away from us. As I think back about the experiences and sights she would have seen throughout her lifetime, the British occupation, the Japanese occupation, the May 13th incident, putting 7 children through university, the birth of her grandchildren, the dead of her husband and zillions more, I see that she has accomplished her missions in life. She died peacefully as an accomplished person. Although I never spoke much to her in her later years, I would like her to know this:

“Take care grandmother. If not for you, we would not be here and we thank you (all the 11 of your grandchildren) for the effort and tireless commitment you gave to your children and to us, the grandchildren. Now we will take it from where you left off to further keep this family together as how you did for decades and to grow together. I take it onto myself as the oldest grandson to be personally responsible in ensuring the growth of my 10 other brothers and sisters so that we may one day accomplish what you have in the years to come. May the LORD bless your for all your kindness and forgive you for your sins and take you under his wing to a place where your soul may finally rest in peace on a bed of roses”.

I would like to end this entry with a prayer for her departed soul.

Nunc Dimittis
Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord, Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears attend to the voice of my supplication.If you, O Lord, should mark our guilt, Lord, who could survive?
But there is forgiveness in you, and we revere you for it.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watch-men for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with Him is plenteous redemption. And He will redeem Israel from all iniquities.

Eternal rest grant unto my grandmother, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon her.

May she rest in peace. Amen.

O Lord, hear my prayer. And let my cry come to you.O God, creator and redeemer of all the faithful, grant to the souls of your departed servants the forgiveness of all their sins.

Through my prayer, may she obtain the pardon she has always desired.

Amen

-Psalm 130 (129)-

May she rest in peace with the LORD. Amen

Of dreams and memories of the past...

What is it about memories? Can memories truly be extinguished from the deepest recesses of the mind? Or do they just sit there and pop up when you least expect it? The latter would be correct in my case. This weekend has been a very peaceful weekend. I got back on Friday night after meeting up and having dinner with a present colleague, who by chance, is going out with the brother of my previous classmate I haven’t seen in 14 years. This is a small world indeed! Anyway, I decided that I will not plan anything for this weekend, just a much deserved R&R for the body and mind.

All went fine until about 4 hours back. I took a Sunday afternoon nap, overslept, missed sunday mass, and woke in a drenched state. The cause? A dream which brought that one single person I cared about some time back. Very strange, as I have not dreamed of this person for quite a while now. I dreamed that I was in some shopping mall, just leaving Starbucks and walking towards the escalator. And there she was!. Smiling, both her dimples showing, her head slowly appearing into sight as she comes up the escalator. She walks straight up to me, slips her arms into mine and proceeds to go about doing what we used to do, talking about everything under the sun. The strange part of this dream was that it was like a dream within a dream. I could hear and see the conversation between me and her but I was not the person doing the talking, more like a silent observer watching ‘me’ talking. I watched, heard and cherished every single word we spoke. It was as though I had become a silent and transparent ghost, transported into the past with the gift of seeing this person again and what we used to share in the past. Many times I wanted to speak, wanted to say something but no voice came out from within. That person (the dream “me”) was the one doing the talking to her and they both looked so happy and free. I woke up violently the minute the other ‘me’ kissed her ever so passionately. I was in a cold sweat and had tears in my eyes. It was so real and I am a person who is always in control of his emotions.

I thought I managed to forget this person, how she looked liked, her smile, her naughtiness and her ability to light up a room. How wrongs I was. I packed away all our past photos, belongings, everything in a box and have stored deep inside a cupboard. Over time, her thoughts started to fade away as I embraced my new job and experiences until today. The dream was so clear. The clarity of every single detail my mind contained of her, her tone of voice, the expressions, the twinkle in the eyes, everything single minute detail of her seems to have been stored somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind and today it decided to ‘purge’ its contents. I had managed to suppress the memories but never really managed to delete it completely from my mind. Now here I sit, having my normal Sunday Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks and writing this entry, remembering the dream.

What does the dream mean? Was it just a random shred of memory which surfaced or was it something else? For a person like me who believes everything happens for a reason and we are guided by faith, dreams carry far more meaningful undertones than just a shred of memory re-surfacing. I have always equated dreams to the complex workings of the inner mind, a sort of a bridge built by the mind to connect the conscious and subconscious mind in its attempt to make sense of our surroundings. Being pro-Freudian, I looked up one of Freud’s famous books on dreams titled “The Interpretation of dreams”. Being one of the most significant books in the 20th century written by the father of psychology, I though it would shed some light into the reason for me having this dream of my past.

According to Freud, dreams are spy holes into our unconscious. Fears, desires and emotions that we are usually unaware of make themselves known through our dreams. To Freud, dreams were fundamentally about wish-fulfillment. Even "negative" dreams (punishment dreams and other anxiety dreams) are a form of wish-fulfilment; the wish being that certain events do not occur. Very often such dreams are interpreted as a warning. Freud believed that although our dreams contain these important messages, they are encoded - disguised. The unconscious mind doesn't speak any verbal language therefore it must communicate with us via symbols. Some of these symbols are near-universal, others very personal.

In Freud's book The Interpretation of Dreams, the reason for dreams can be classified into four major categories:

(1) "Dreams are the fulfillment of a wish"
(2) "Dreams are the disguised fulfillment of a wish"
(3) "Dreams are the disguised fulfillment of a repressed wish"
(4) "Dreams are the disguised fulfillment of a repressed, infantile wish"

Being in my situation, I started to think which category would I classify myself and the dream I just had? After analyzing Freud’s book for almost an hour and a half, the most coherent classification for the dream I just had seems to be (3) “Dreams are disguised fulfillment of a repressed wish” where exist both the motive for the dream (which Freud insists is an unconscious 'wish'), and the motive for the distortion of dreams. If dreams are disguised, Freud argues, that it must be that the 'wish' is not apparent or manifest in the dream. The wish is hidden from the conscious appreciation of the dream - it is repressed. This then gives us a motive for the distortion in dreams, for what is repressed is not only hidden from consciousness, but 'forbidden' in some way by the conscious part of the mind

"If we can uncover a dream's MOTIVATING FORCE, we shall obtain unsuspected information about the repressed impulses in the unconscious; and on the other hand , if we can undo its distortions, we shall overhear PRECONSCIOUS THOUGHTS taking place in states of internal reflection which would not have attracted consciousness to themselves during the daytime." –Sigmund Freud-

That is to say that the motive for the dream is a 'wish' insofar as it is repressed or at the least forbidden. Is this why I dreamed of her? Do I subconsciously still desire the happy moments we use to share together even though we are no more? And that I have been suppressing that wish or desire by by saying it will ‘go away’ after some time or that ‘Time heals all wounds”? After going through all of my previous blog entries, all of them will have some elements, thoughts or emotions of ‘her’ in it somewhere. And I do miss this woman. I have come to a stage where I have accepted the fact that we will never be together again and that I must move on with my life and leave this behind. I NEED to set her free from my mind. This is not healthy both subconsciously and emotionally for me and I consciously know it.

As I write this, a memory of someone who once wrote something to me came to my mind. He had just broke up with his love of 3 years and was devastated. I sifted through my old papers and records and finally found it. What he wrote back then together with Freud’s thoughts makes so much of sense now. This is what he wrote:

“It’s like our whole time together flashed right before my eyes. I started to remember everything and reminiscing about it brought a fresh wave of pain in my heart. Hell, even if I had to do it all over again, I will go ahead and share those experiences with her. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before. Sure, it hurts like so damn painful but I never regretted knowing her and sharing those moments with her.”

“Something I never told you dude… The last time we met about some months back, I just held her in my arms for 10 minutes, put my head against her head and just hugged her silently, not a word exchanged between us. And as I held her, I prayed for her happiness and God’s peace to come upon her that she may continue her life well.”

“Raising my head, I looked down at her and saw her smile. I really knew then that she loved me. And that comforted me a lot even though she had wanted to break up with me. It comforted me that she was fine and I could see in her face that she loved me so much but yet, she wanted to live right and so I reluctantly let her go.”

“My heart was at peace, knowing that I did not lose her because she didn’t love me. In spite of it all, she still loved me and knowing that was enough for me. I guess after all that time, investment and heartfelt effort in our relationship – just knowing that she loved me gave me strength to let her go…”

“Sometimes, when you love someone so much, you let her go because you love her and you want her to be happy. Even if you are crying deep inside and even if you are hurting so damn badly, you just pick yourself up and move on. Because I feel if you love someone, you shouldn’t force her to be with you. Love is about giving freely and receiving freely the love from another….”

Yes, I understand him now. I thoroughly understand how he felt back then. I understand that I will always love her as she was my soul mate once. The experiences and things we shared together will never be the same if I had ever shared it with someone else. Her memories will always be with me and it will be cherished and kept safe deep within this soul for many decades to come. But I must come to terms that we are no more together and that I must set her free (both consciously and subconsciously) in order for me to be free. If I ever have a chance, I would like to tell her “I will always love you….Be happy and be free my love….” Although she may never read this blog or know of his, I hope she can still feel me now as how she used to once and understand that I have finally ‘released’ her from me, both consciously and subconsciously, so that she may be happy in her life, searching for the happiness she so much desires.

My dream today proved that I need to do this. Freud’s theory says that it is “disguised fulfillment of a repressed wish”. Coupled with my friends old mail to me on his past experience, all of these fit together perfectly. As I said, everything happens for a reason. The dream, my need for the analysis of the dream, the memory of my friends mail, everything. Until I let go of her, never will I ever be able to function normally, move on with my life and be free. I thought previously I had set her free. But that was done only at a conscious level. Today I do it both consciously and subconsciously. I hope she will always be happy and she find the happiness she seeks out there in this world.

I would like to end this blog entry with poem by Boyd titled “Dreams”. Boyd says “Within our dreams we are able to experience true love that surpasses even a master poet's rendering with the written word. The true realities of these dreams can even bring us to tears of loss, upon seeing the morning's first light; however, this strong delicacy of our dreams contains within - our past, our present - and what very well may come to be”. Beautiful. I hope you enjoy it reading it as much as I did.

Dreams

Love - it seems to me a dream

When twilight rests upon my brow

And fingers break the fragile skein

That separate the here from now

Atop a bed of silk so fair

‘Neath diamond starlight winks a'bright

Oh! Glorious eyes bold . . . I ensnared

Render wakefulness a futile plight

Luminous shines my pure white skin

Halo'd within a moonlit glow

Ethereal dreams don adoring grin

Cradle my body with lover's show

Sweet be mine upon this night

Where Chronos' rule traps us not

Within your arms, the dawn we'll fight

Nay, Loneliness! We deny our lot

Enrapture my senses dream lover mine

If only for our short short while

Let me taste pure love divine

Upon the lips of your tender smile

Alas - as dawn's light creeps slowly in

I am left with naught but a gentle tear

In remembrance of I . . . your arms within

Your strength abolishing my every fear

Love . . . it seems to me a dream

And I but a lonely twilight gleam.

-Nicole Boyd-

Goodnight my love…And thank you….

Of returning home after a long journey...

Of time and parents...

I am sitting at home presently. The house is all quiet except for occasional yelps and barks from my dogs outside. This is peaceful. The sound of flowing water from the fountain outside further releases this mind to think of the past and the future and what it may behold. This is where it all began. This home. This place. This spot. The same place where I fought with my parents on sibling equality, of fairness, where the plans for the future, which would be simmering in my mind, are put down into action plans, so that when I go back to the big city, I can materialize it. The same place where so many family memories have been forged in stone.

What is it about homes? Why does it always bring out the child from within? Why is it you feel so weak and yet so strong when you are back home? Is it because, here you are always safe? Is it because here everything will always be all right and there is always someone to depend on when you are in need? Alternatively, is it because there will be always be home cooked food when you are hungry? Strange. As far as I could remember, I always wanted to leave this peaceful haven and go out into the world to explore and experience. I left my home at the age of 18 and after more than a decade, here I sit at the same place thinking why did I leave to start with? From my travels, I know there is not much out there in the world. There is no safety, very little love and definitely very little trust. The world outside is not a nice place to live in, and that in itself is an understatement. Yet, I wanted to experience this first hand once. Must have been the urges of growing up. Now, if given the choice, I would gladly move to the countryside and start all over again. The present path I have carved out in my life professionally will never allow me to do that or take that option. At least I can take comfort that this home will always be here. A beacon of hope and refuge when things become overpowering for me in the world outside.

However, over the couple of days I have started to ask myself “For how long?” My parents are ageing. Though they may still perform the same job, (both are still working and they are nearing 60), sign of aging clearly shows in the faces and their movements. I dread the inevitable one day. It will come and it is fast approaching. This I can feel. How will I handle it? Question of your own mortality arises when you think how short a time you actually have in this world. I am 30 now and I will have another 30 years more before I am in the same boat as my parents. The past 30 years whizzed by faster than you can say ‘wow!’ It seems like it was just yesterday I rode my first BMX bicycle (8 years), has my first crush (12 years), my first proper relationship (16 years), my years in England (19-21 years), my first proper job (22 years), my years doing my post graduate degree (28 years) and now a consultant (30 years). How time has flown all these years! Where did it all go and why does have to go by so fast?

I can safely say most of us are very unappreciative of the time we have in our hands. We sleep, we spend time doing mundane things which benefits us in no way whatsoever (except for a temporary feeling of enjoyment) until a point of time when the question “I have so much of times on my hands. What shall I do now?” silently changes to “I have no time on my hand! Where am I going to squeeze the additional 2 or 3 hours? Less sleep?” Strange indeed. God gave us a healthy dose of time the day we entered into this world. We only question its existence when we are halfway through life and when you see the faces of your aging parents who, I am sure have come to terms with the whole mortality issue, and have begun preparation for silent departure when the time arises, making sure everything is in place for their children as they always have been doing.

I wish I could turn back time. I would have said ‘I love you and appreciate what you have done for me all this while” more to them, to help them out more in their times of need, to not burden them with my miniscule problems and issues, to help them raise my siblings, the list goes on and on. The fabric of time does not stand still for no one. This I have come to understand. The best I can do now is try to re-gain what time I have lost. I will be better towards my parents, show them more love, help them out a bit more, and tell them that they are indeed appreciated. I need to do this now, as they do not have much time left. The next 5 to 10 years will fly by and I will find myself truly alone in this world, for the first time, when the dreaded moment arrives. I will then have to carry on with my life for the next 30 years and hopefully, my children will have these same thoughts when I am 60 one day. Nice thing to hope for but not so many people are so lucky. I have been lucky to be blessed with the parent I have. This I have come to experience even today. This morning my aging dad woke me up before going off to work and gave me a cup of coffee in bed. The same thing he has been doing everyday since I was a young boy. A small gesture, which often overlooked, but it will always remain in my mind for the course of my natural existence. I only hope I can do the same for my children one day when I am that old.

Such is the cycle of life. I will be going to see the LORD later this evening. I need to this. I have moved far away from him in the past 6 months. I need reassurance that everything will be all right in the coming years for me and my family with all the turbulences I am facing at this junction of life. I hope he can help me out. I think he is the only one who actually can.

Of people and of trust...

Its been some time since I updated this blog with my normal rambling and thoughts. I am sitting at star bucks now and enjoying a lovely macchiato and some crumbly pastries as look back at the events that have unfolded in my life over the past two weeks. It has just started raining outside and as i sit and watch people scattering around searching for cover from this sudden downpour, I reminisce over the past few days. It has been a busy fortnight, both at the office as well as my personal life. With tons of paperwork to catch up on, most days and nights were spend screening and researching through facts & figures to develop a 5 year strategy for for a local GLC linked DFI. Had a very lovely time last weekend with my colleagues, in the clear blue skies and crystal clear waters of Pangkor. Had a lotsa fun. We freaked out! We sure were the noisiest crowd among the other departments in the firm.

On a personal sentiment, a thought came to me in the last few days so I’m penning it down now to eternalize it here. The strongest of these thought was one, which I value the most and have lived with since I was young. “TRUST”. Being an evangelist for trust for so long, perhaps it would be a good time to define the word in depth so that people know what my perception of trust is. Only then clear articulation and understanding of the word is accomplished. Trust indicates a “A depth and a sense of assurance that is based on strong but not logically-conclusive evidence or based on the character, ability, or truth that someone or something has shown over time or across situations”. A textbook definition but it does reveal a lot. Trust makes for a sense of being safe or of being free of fear, enough so that one's focus can be on other matters because that matter is taken care of. It becomes easier to simply enjoy life.

In that respect, I say:

-No human is totally trustworthy.

-No human is totally untrustworthy.

-No human can always trust themselves.

-No human is totally trusting of any one other person.

Trust is a big risk. We leave ourselves open for loss. Betrayal of trust hurts so much because the lost sense of security multiplies the damage. When it this the case, do many people know what is trust? On who to trust? Or do they know how to honor the trust projected onto them? After this fortnight, I seriously do not think people do. To these people, I would like to pose some serious questions to ponder:

1) Is trust really worth the effort?

2) Is trust really needed when in this present time when it is not valued anymore?

3) Has trust become a just commodity ? If it has, what is the price we pay to abuse it?

Different people will have different answer to these questions. To these questions, I answer the following:

1) Yes, trust is a personal value given to another person as a gift. It does not matter the other person appreciates or abuses it. It is you who give this honorable gift away to value the relationship that exists between the persons. By giving trust, it is you that feels the essence of the world in yourself. You set yourself free. Though you are open and vulnerable, yet you will feel joy in you heart. Is that not a precious feeling in return for trusting someone and getting hurt?

2) Trust will always be needed. For those who abuse this, there are serious repercussions that will follow. I always believe in karma. If you do good, you will receive good. If you do bad, the badness is amplified many times over before it comes back to you. This has been my belief in my life. Forget about the age and time and the people who live in it. This point today, this time, place, year, this century is but a tiny fragment of a point in the eternal fabric of time. Trust has been around for a much longer time and it will always be here. This society as we know it now will not, and a new society will evolve from the ruins of this as it has for centuries. The evolution of nations still follow Darwinism theory of evolution. Trust prevails in the end and never losses because of one very basic and simple premise: It was built on a unshakable foundation. The foundation of GOD. “As it was in the beginning, so shall it be in the end”

3) Trust has become a commodity for some people who tend to abuse or take opportunity of it. However, the price you pay in the end is, in my normal words and tone: “You will suffer for it one day”. Forget about burning in hell for all eternity for the sin you committed. That will only happen, if it ever happens, in the very end. For now, try to live with these thoughts of your abuse of the trust given to you in your conscience. How long will you live with it? Can you live with it to start with? Was it worth it?

The foundation of which trust was built on has slowly been eroded by the narcissistic values implored and spread into the very fabric of human existence in this present age. Ziggy Marley puts this nicely by saying "You must wondering what type of creature is man?” The value of trust will only be realised over a long time and somehow it sickens me to see this trust being abused or taken for granted. However, this is what our society has become now. A jungle where values such as trust tend not to exist, or at the very most, exist at a superficial level which is easily overlooked when the right opportunity arises. These will people pay for it with their souls in the end. With this, I end this blog entry with a song that is playing in my mind now:

Dragonfly

Everybody is worried about time,

But I just keep that shit off my mind,

People living on 24 hours clocks,

But we’re on a ride that never stops.

=====

Hey mister! Be the world changes but you remain the same,

and I hope you all survive with the environment going down the drain,

Hey miss dragonfly, I see you look at me with your beautiful eyes,

You must be wondering what kind of creature am I,

Dog looked at me and said Ziggy why can’t we trust man?

Puss and me got together, why can’t you all just understand,

An old tree stood there silently listening to every word we said

As a tear fell, he cried: what type of creature is man?

=====

I said hey mister! see the world changed but you remain the same,

And I wonder how you survive with the environment going down the drain,

Hey miss butterfly, I see you look at me with your beautiful eyes,

You mush be wondering what type of creature am I,

You must be wondering what type of creature is man.
-Ziggy Marley-

We live in this world only once. Live it. Trust is a precious gift, which YOU give. Never stop giving that gift even though it has been abused in the past. Be true to yourself. Continue giving it people. It does set you free. It does give you joy. This I can tell you. This I have come to experience.

Of dancing...

I went out last night for a quiet drink. The DJ played some lovely ol’ oldies and the music slowly got me swaying. And then it happened. I started to dance. Like how I used to once. With no care for in the world. Just me and the music. How could I forget the simple pleasures in life like dancing for so long? Sort of figured it out. I've always got this thing about memories. I tend to never forget. I am not sure whether this is a blessing or a curse and I have seen it work in both ways. I suppose I stopped dancing for some time now because it brought back a lot of old memories. Memories which I think I have buried deeply both in my heart and in my mind. But yesterday, it all came flooding back to me. But I didn’t care. Thats just what they are. Memories. Of things and emotions experienced in the past. I danced yesterday both to remember and and put to rest the memories within. To be in peace with my inner self again.

It did feel strange but it was worth it. It felt good to actually dance again without feeling sadness and hatred in the heart. Just peacefulness. The one-ness with the music, the body, the heart and the soul. To hear and feel the songs that has been with me in many different stages in my life, in many different parts of the world. These songs were always there in the past, it is still here and I have no doubt that it will still be there in the coming future. Some things choose the remains constants in my life and some just don't. I would equate these songs to that of a fixed boulder in a flowing raging river. The water is constantly flowing but the boulder remains. Knowing this sort of gave me some relief that some things will remain as they are in my life and some things will change. Hey! things are going to be fine after all. That was good to know.

The boulder-river metaphor can also be used to describe the people around us in our lives. The people change. Different people walk in and out of our lives everyday. Some stay with us through our life journeys. Others come along for some parts of the journey and then disembark when they reach their destination. Still others momentarily come into our lives to show us or guide us in time when we need help. Very few actually stay the full course of the journey. Those that do will finally experience something like no other in the end. A feeling of one-ness. Some are just not lucky enough to experience that. These were the thoughts that ran through my mind last night. Quite strange things to ponder in a noisy pub, but to me at that time, all the din and racket was filtered out. I could only hear my inner voice, the thoughts, the music and the sight of people dancing. I can safely say that the culprit of a song that started the the flow of thoughts was non-other than:

I can see clearly now,
the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin?
forIt’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin?
but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin?
but blue skies

I can see clearly now,
the rain is gone,I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day.
-Johnny Nash-

It was lovely to feel alive again. To not have the feelings of the past. I actually sat and wondered what happened to me all this time. Why did I ever stop dancing? Why did I stop the one thing that has always given me freedom? I think I figured it out now. I tend to absorb the beauty around me. To live is to feel. I think I just stopped doing that. I became blind to the small things and started living in my own cocoon (self made may I add and have grown to become very accustomed to it). By dancing again yesterday, I broke that mould. I felt free once more.

I also finally admited something to myself. That I DO enjoy dancing immensely! and irrespective of how old I become (Hey, Im sure I have at least 30 years ahead of me before I get onto that train), I will still dance. I am still very much alive today and have so much to look forward to in the coming years. New people, experiences and places are coming at me at breakneck speed and I just have to enjoy the journey and the experiences. In the end, dancing will be the only thing that will keep me sane through all of this. It was what kept me sane till now from my previous experiences. It is still the only thing that will keep me rooted and yet still show me that I am indeed a free being. A very precious feeling indeed. It was a good night yesterday.

Of darkness...

Darkness of Mine
In the darkness, the abyss of shadows, where stillness resides,
Grave silence envelopes the being, and all time stands still,
Unmasked emotions are unleashed, smells of yesteryears abound,
Here, hope once existed, and dreams of the future were born,
In this darkness, where now there is no more sound.

Where I do go? What do I do? Where do I head?
Questions of my very existence rises from deep within,
And a thousand reasons and denials envelopes the being,
Of words unsaid, deeds undone, and of thoughts unspoken,
In this silent darkness, the tortured mind ceases to sing.

The darkness is consuming, the peacefulness overwhelming,
Memories engraved in stone, images burned into the heart,
Thoughts overpowering, intensifying, within this mind of mine,
Of the days of loving and sharing, days in the distant past,
In this silent darkness, faith and love, will you not shine?

The days I miss, when there was comfort, when there was light,
When all was good, joyful, and when the directions were set,
Knowing where my life would lead, through the valley of sadness,
To reach the peaks of the mountain, to the summits of glory,
To able to fly once more, once again, to find my happiness.

My feeble mind attempts to comprehend,
Of memories and hearts from the past, of past tears shed,
Of redemption, of forgiveness, of faith, of my last demise,
Where once freedom flew, of what once was, of what is no more,
Of the past hugs, the smiles, and of the last lingering kiss.

Release me! from here, where the slaughtering silence resides,
To the place where joy lives, and shattered hearts heal,
The place where thoughts cease to exist, where I may again shine,
To where lost souls go, and tortured sinners are redeemed,
Release me! to a place far away from this silent darkness of mine.

-EK-

Of searching...

The melody infused me, jarring at the core,

In my stillness, I was jolted to memories long ago,

Of happiness and sorrow of a lost rapport,

And the joy of rediscovering the impermanence of woe.

The given name ill-fits the divinity of One,

Omnipotent identity that needs no dividing line,

I am trying to re-establish, with all its permutations around,

of a one-ness with the One that I can again call mine.

-The Tripping Goddess -

A very interesting person left a reply in the form of a very good poem for my previously posted 'Sweet Lady' poem. I have published the poem above together with a picture obtained from her blog (I hope she doesn't mind. It fits the poem above) so that it can be immortalized next to my 'Sweet Lady'.

I thank this person for her lovely poem, and would like to respond in the form of a song below which always tugs at my heart because of its basic simplicity and yet the depth of its words. I chose this song in response to the above posted picture, of a person in the dark, staring deeply into a flickering flame, searching of thoughts far away and in a state of serene tranquility and peacefulness.

The picture is symbolic of the thoughts that run through every single person's minds of the uncertainties of the future, of where we have been in the past, of what we have done and what we are going to do, of the myriad of emotions that tug at our hearts in all directions, of the blinding darkness around us, and of hope that there is always light even in our darkest hours. It also serves to symbolize that even in our constant flux of thoughts, peacefulness and serenity still exist to produce a state of ones-ness with the LORD.

Looking
My frustration won’t subside,
I’ve been tried time after time,
But it’s not my style to quit, there’s more to life than this,
In obscurity or fame, we’re all playing this game,
Searching for something, searching for something.

Saturday in the morning and the rain keep falling,
Brother didn’t get no sleep now he’s really feeling beat,
But there is no time to waste as the devil tests his faith,
He walks away, with a mission to complete.

She has her hand on her jaw as she wonders away,
What will tomorrow bring,
Will her dreams just disappear?
She finds words are hard to say so she prays everyday,
She must find a way, may the pieces fall in place.

Looking, looking, looking, you will find,
Find you will be fine.

-Ziggy Marley--16.09.12

I hope she likes the song and has a chance to listen to it one day. Thank you Goddess...

Of a sweet lady...

Sweet lady
Sweet lady in black, sitting alone, lost in your world of thoughts,
While the world revolves around you, yet still you do not see,
While the music deafens the ears, you sit in your peacefulness,
What thoughts are those? this will you not share with me?

Your eyes speak of old bitter sadness, of journeys from the past,
Of anguishes and of wars lost, what was your part?
Yet still, a tiny flicker of a sparkle still exists, protected,
Somewhere deep, deep down within your heart.

You danced, swirled, with your eyes closed and your heart open,
You looked up to the lord, your arms stretch out wide, searching for relieve,
Was it HIS forgiveness you seeked? Or was it the lord’s strength you required?
HE watched, HE listened, and HE was there, this you have to believe.

In your anguish, with your head bowed, you teared silently,
Of painful numbing moments, of people and of thoughts of the past
Bonded by the chains of nostalgia, this you seek to shatter,
So that you may smile again, once more, and find your freedom at last

This world is cruel, it does not cry with you,
Do not tear sweet lady, do not despair
Amidst the pain, hope still rises, it never really dies
It was just shrouded by despair, through its very core,
It will find you once more, seek you out,
So that you, sweet lady, may tear no more

-EK-

Of "Till death do us part"...

“Till death do us part”. A promise of faith made in the presence of the lord. A sacred promise between 2 people that binds them together for life through the good and the bad, a sacred promise of fidelity and commitment. A declaration which was meant for eternity, or least for the duration of a normal person’s lifespan. However, it has become a declaration not meant for the time we live in nor do many people actually practice it. Is this not sad?

Something that was true for so many generations has slowly ceased to exist in reality in the fast paced world of today. The declaration has been reduced, to best, mere words people promise each other for one day of their lives but never perform the duties and the responsibilities that come with it. They smile and some even get emotional at that moment of time, but its value does not linger. For it to linger, it has to be engraved deeply into the heart. It has to be engraved through everything we do and say. It has to be reflected and constantly re-visited for its meaning and value. It has to serve as a foundation and support in confronting every foreseeable situation and still radiate strongly. It has to stand the test of time and man. You must have to have faith in it.

But look around you today. How many people you can see actually perform this? Sincerely perform this from the heart and not just show it on the exterior? People say it, but when the very next opportunity of attraction arises, they jump into someone else’s bed and lives and carry on with little or no regret of the declarations they once made and of its value. Do not be fooled for very few still believe in eternal love. They would like to believe they do and strive to find it in their lives but never really do.

The few that do still do, still believe in fairy tales, in happy endings, in the "handsome prince saving the princess" and that “they lived happily ever after”. The few that still believe that faith has a hand in everything we do and it guides us in our lives. The few that still believe that love is eternal, and not just a commodity to given, shared and passed from one person to another when the right opportunity arises or when things get too hard to handle. To these people, I salute you for you have reached a height of enlightenment to fully value “Till death do us part”.

For the rest, it is just words uttered in the presence of the lord. It does not have any value or true meaning for they believe that the future is what you make of it and eternal promises like this do not carry value. They believe that if you do not like the situation or the person you are with, change the situation or the person or just run away from it. I believe that life is too short to be constantly running away. To this genre of people, I wish you all the best in sustaining your future relationships for you have no value of eternal love and trust nor will you ever be able to appreciate the beauty that comes with it as it matures over the years and decades. You do not have faith in the words of “Till death do us part”.

I still choose to believe in these words and its meaning and that pure and sincere love still exists in this numbing world, surpasses all others and never really dies. That it is still eternal and will always be. That it can be suppressed but never really ceases to exist. It just creeps deeper into the darkest crevices on the heart, sits there and waits patiently for its next awakening and flight. It will re-surface one day when you least expect it to and catch you unexpectedly from behind. At that moment of time, the person who made you feel emotions of that depth for you to say “Till death do us part” will not be around anymore. I will let faith guide my journey. Let it be my folly. Let it be my downfall. But I choose to have faith in the words of “Till death do us part”.

A thought..

Came across something a few days ago and it struck a chord with me. From experience, this is very true..

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations --Kahlil Gibran

Issues of the Mind and Heart...

Of Joys and Sorrows...(04/07/06)
Something I would like to share with a certain someone who took the trouble to leave me a comment on my blog today. It is my hope that you will see what you are experiencing now through these lenses...

Joy and Sorrow
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
-Kahlil Gibrahn-

Of love...(02/07/06)
When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in thier clinging to the earth. Like the sheaves of corn he agthers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you free from your husks. He grids you to whiteness. He kneads you till you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for god's sacred feast. All these thigns shall love do unto you that you may know the secrests of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, the ti is better for you to cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seansonless world where you shall laugh but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "god is in my heart," but rather, "i am in the heart of god." And think not you can direst the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings it's melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
-Kahlil Gibrahn-

Of memories... (02/07/06)
Today I finally completely moved out from my old house. As I was walked out the door for the last time, I turned back and looked at my place of dwelling for the past 3 years. In this home, so many memories were made. Love, hope and inspirations for the future were forged and built. Anger, resentment, pain were discovered here. It was a place where 2 people had shared and made it their home with no qualms. They loved madly and fought endlessly. These 2 people have ceased to exist as one, with each leading separate lives now.

However, in this home, which I close the door to today, will always remain close to my heart as a place of tenderness, peace and tranquillity, a place where an abundance of human emotions conquered all known logic and won, and where 2 people had loved, forged and planned a bright future together. Many hopes were born in this home. My faith in God was re-ignited here, a place where a girl transcended from her teenage years into adulthood to the woman she is today, where she went from being a student into a working adult, the place where I experienced my first Christmas Tree and the spirit of Christmas, the place where I completed my MBA successfully, where I would cook again after many years and feed the one I loved, where we used to dance to reggae music while drinking red wine early hours of the morning. It was a place where our bed was always warm and a person always available to hold you tight and snuggle up to when you fall sleep night and where there were glowing fluorescent stars above our bed which would sing us lullabies to sleep.

I started writing poetry again in this home, where I experienced deep emotions I though that were long dead inside of me, where I knew of "angels" where we survived during our tough times on a meagre wage with hardly enough money to eat, where I learned what is meant to 'have faith' and where a future lawyer and a consultant were born.The list goes on and on. It chokes me even now to think of all the good times and memories we experienced here. There were so many firsts for the both of us in this home of ours. Though no more, this home shall remain for many years in the minds and the hearts of these 2 people involved and the experiences and emotions felt there will serve as a reminder that it is possible that one heart can live in 2 bodies and surpass all else. A faithful reminder that love is an emotion so strong that mere words and actions will never be able to describe the depth of its gifts or the beauty of its radiance. A reminder that pain can be so deep that even the vast oceans could never contain it. But it also serves as a reminder and beacon that love and hope can shine bright even in our darkest hours when 2 souls have melted into one and anything was possible.

As I walked away from my old home, I look back with a heavy heart, with a small tear swelling in my eye, with a basketful of emotions, and with one thought on my mind, "I have tasted and experienced what bliss and undying love feels like”. I will let it find me once more. I will re-build a new home where these old memories will serve as a guiding force and foundation for all that will be in the future. This I will do. For me and for the one who loved me once, for she will always have my heart with her.

Matters of the heart...(30/6/06)
Is it true that one heart can live in 2 separate bodies? Strange as it may seem, I have come to experience it. As long as love shall exist in this world, as long as emotions and care exist, so shall this statement be true as a holy gift to the masses. It is a moment in time when few people are so lucky to exist to experience it. Although always never permanent, its flight takes off the minute you meet the person, just through the eyes. Where the heart and the mind is in harmony, for one brief moment, one moment in time, where 2 hearts melts and everything is right in this world. When every senses within the body is awaken to the calling of the reason for your birth. Is this not divine?

And it grows. It grows and matures till it reaches the deepest and darkest corners of the heart and yet still the mind tries to reason. Is this right? Is this true? Is this permanent? It tugs at your very being and directs your path in life from that time forth. It changes the way you view the world and of people and the reason for your very existence. Strange yet true and yet still sad. Why should there be an experience as such when it is only momentarily. Is is to allow the human being to feel bliss and to prove such bliss does exist? Or is it a cruel game that humans beings have to experience to reach a higher point of enlightenment? This I have felt and I still feel now. Though alone now, this heart still lives in 2 bodies as it always will.

Of Minds and Hearts...(24/6/06)
where'd you go'? Heard the new song from Fort Minor and it got me all thinking on how absolutely true it is. As the male singer sings of a love who he has given up hope on, yet in the background, the background singers sing 'I miss you so'. As my title says, the being is in a state of constant flux because the mind cannot decide what the heart yearns for. For the heart controls the emotional factors of the mind whereas the mind controls the logical factors of the being. The mind says no yet the mouth says yes due to the longings of the heart.

Al Pacino says this very well in the movie, 'The Devil's Advocate', the irony of things is when you can see but cannot touch, touch but cannot feel, feel but cannot taste, taste but cannot swallow'. Maybe its just the basics of being humans where logic reasoning has come to play an important role in the society that is constantly evolving and yet we want to be guided by the heart to make fulfilling and meaningful decisions in our everyday lives. Decisions which we can look back one day and congraculate ourselves by saying 'I pursued that full-heartedly eventhough it was not a logical at that time. Confusing, complex or do we ourselves make things complicated?

Strange things...(24/6/06)
Strange things happen to the most unlikely people. I met up with 2 close buddies this morning and they got mugged last night by a group of transvestites. 2 males get mugged by a group of half-males. How much weirder can things get? My advice to them: Never go a wandering in places where males (half-males to be exact) walk around in dresses and call the place their home if you are not street-smart enough to do so. The mind says not to go and yet the heart says go. In this battle, the heart won and these guys ended up losing quite a large sum of cash they were carrying.