Of Birthdays...

Today I turned 32. What a journey! I had a small do with a couple of friends last night. It was a strange feeling last night when the clock struck 12. This time last year, so many effects were different. I was in Kl, in-between jobs, financially tight and the future at that point looked very bleak. Fast-forward one year. Im Sarawak now, financially stable, working a dream job in a top global company and there are so many things to look forward to this year. I lost a close friend on New Years Day. Something I thought would never happen but it actually did. It has been a hard year. It had fluctuated immensely and only now it is beginning to settle down. Every year I look forward to my birthday. It is a special day for me. It is the day when you appreciate where you have been, what you have experienced and where you will be going. It is the day you appreciate that you are still HERE, now, healthy and alive. It is the day you thank the LORD for all HE has given, and try to learn from the mistakes of the previous year. However, this year, as the clock stuck 12, I had this immense empty feeling inside, a void, a gap. I have come this far professionally, in my job. But why do I still feel empty inside. Perhaps its the fact that the person I love is across the sea; I am in a new land, new job, and new people, new experiences. I thought long and hard about this the whole of last night when I should have been celebrating. Most guys would give an arm and a leg to be in my company, doing my job, to be as financially rewarded, to be in my position. But then, why am I still empty? I think the emptiness stems from wanting to start my own family, wanting to have children, wanting to finally hang up my laurels and settle down. I look forward to the day when I do walk down that isle, carry my first born, to hold and to protect, to have someone to call my of my own flesh and blood. Perhaps its the age, my biological clock has started ticking and the things that use to excite me once no longer does. All my friends are married with children. When I see them happy with their wives and children, the emptiness inside grows stronger. Perhaps it is time I seriously started thinking of this. It frightens me. It really does. What if I make a wrong decision? What if my time has not come yet come and I am jumping the gun? What if something goes wrong after that? Everywhere I go, the first question people ask me is when am I going to get married and settle down. Is it really that easy? How come other people can do this so easily and I cannot? What is that I lack that other have in them? Are my expectations too high? I need a partner, a soul mate, to share my dreams, to rejoice in my accomplishments, to be there when I am sad. I have someone very special in my life now that fulfils all of this. Perhaps this year would be the year I take the next step? Perhaps the next year? This birthday is a birthday of mixed emotions, of the past, of the future, of where I am standing today. Perhaps HE will show me a sign, a light at the end of this long dark tunnel, perhaps a glimmer of what I need to do and how to do it. I need that from HIM. I really do.