Of dreams and memories of the past...

What is it about memories? Can memories truly be extinguished from the deepest recesses of the mind? Or do they just sit there and pop up when you least expect it? The latter would be correct in my case. This weekend has been a very peaceful weekend. I got back on Friday night after meeting up and having dinner with a present colleague, who by chance, is going out with the brother of my previous classmate I haven’t seen in 14 years. This is a small world indeed! Anyway, I decided that I will not plan anything for this weekend, just a much deserved R&R for the body and mind.

All went fine until about 4 hours back. I took a Sunday afternoon nap, overslept, missed sunday mass, and woke in a drenched state. The cause? A dream which brought that one single person I cared about some time back. Very strange, as I have not dreamed of this person for quite a while now. I dreamed that I was in some shopping mall, just leaving Starbucks and walking towards the escalator. And there she was!. Smiling, both her dimples showing, her head slowly appearing into sight as she comes up the escalator. She walks straight up to me, slips her arms into mine and proceeds to go about doing what we used to do, talking about everything under the sun. The strange part of this dream was that it was like a dream within a dream. I could hear and see the conversation between me and her but I was not the person doing the talking, more like a silent observer watching ‘me’ talking. I watched, heard and cherished every single word we spoke. It was as though I had become a silent and transparent ghost, transported into the past with the gift of seeing this person again and what we used to share in the past. Many times I wanted to speak, wanted to say something but no voice came out from within. That person (the dream “me”) was the one doing the talking to her and they both looked so happy and free. I woke up violently the minute the other ‘me’ kissed her ever so passionately. I was in a cold sweat and had tears in my eyes. It was so real and I am a person who is always in control of his emotions.

I thought I managed to forget this person, how she looked liked, her smile, her naughtiness and her ability to light up a room. How wrongs I was. I packed away all our past photos, belongings, everything in a box and have stored deep inside a cupboard. Over time, her thoughts started to fade away as I embraced my new job and experiences until today. The dream was so clear. The clarity of every single detail my mind contained of her, her tone of voice, the expressions, the twinkle in the eyes, everything single minute detail of her seems to have been stored somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind and today it decided to ‘purge’ its contents. I had managed to suppress the memories but never really managed to delete it completely from my mind. Now here I sit, having my normal Sunday Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks and writing this entry, remembering the dream.

What does the dream mean? Was it just a random shred of memory which surfaced or was it something else? For a person like me who believes everything happens for a reason and we are guided by faith, dreams carry far more meaningful undertones than just a shred of memory re-surfacing. I have always equated dreams to the complex workings of the inner mind, a sort of a bridge built by the mind to connect the conscious and subconscious mind in its attempt to make sense of our surroundings. Being pro-Freudian, I looked up one of Freud’s famous books on dreams titled “The Interpretation of dreams”. Being one of the most significant books in the 20th century written by the father of psychology, I though it would shed some light into the reason for me having this dream of my past.

According to Freud, dreams are spy holes into our unconscious. Fears, desires and emotions that we are usually unaware of make themselves known through our dreams. To Freud, dreams were fundamentally about wish-fulfillment. Even "negative" dreams (punishment dreams and other anxiety dreams) are a form of wish-fulfilment; the wish being that certain events do not occur. Very often such dreams are interpreted as a warning. Freud believed that although our dreams contain these important messages, they are encoded - disguised. The unconscious mind doesn't speak any verbal language therefore it must communicate with us via symbols. Some of these symbols are near-universal, others very personal.

In Freud's book The Interpretation of Dreams, the reason for dreams can be classified into four major categories:

(1) "Dreams are the fulfillment of a wish"
(2) "Dreams are the disguised fulfillment of a wish"
(3) "Dreams are the disguised fulfillment of a repressed wish"
(4) "Dreams are the disguised fulfillment of a repressed, infantile wish"

Being in my situation, I started to think which category would I classify myself and the dream I just had? After analyzing Freud’s book for almost an hour and a half, the most coherent classification for the dream I just had seems to be (3) “Dreams are disguised fulfillment of a repressed wish” where exist both the motive for the dream (which Freud insists is an unconscious 'wish'), and the motive for the distortion of dreams. If dreams are disguised, Freud argues, that it must be that the 'wish' is not apparent or manifest in the dream. The wish is hidden from the conscious appreciation of the dream - it is repressed. This then gives us a motive for the distortion in dreams, for what is repressed is not only hidden from consciousness, but 'forbidden' in some way by the conscious part of the mind

"If we can uncover a dream's MOTIVATING FORCE, we shall obtain unsuspected information about the repressed impulses in the unconscious; and on the other hand , if we can undo its distortions, we shall overhear PRECONSCIOUS THOUGHTS taking place in states of internal reflection which would not have attracted consciousness to themselves during the daytime." –Sigmund Freud-

That is to say that the motive for the dream is a 'wish' insofar as it is repressed or at the least forbidden. Is this why I dreamed of her? Do I subconsciously still desire the happy moments we use to share together even though we are no more? And that I have been suppressing that wish or desire by by saying it will ‘go away’ after some time or that ‘Time heals all wounds”? After going through all of my previous blog entries, all of them will have some elements, thoughts or emotions of ‘her’ in it somewhere. And I do miss this woman. I have come to a stage where I have accepted the fact that we will never be together again and that I must move on with my life and leave this behind. I NEED to set her free from my mind. This is not healthy both subconsciously and emotionally for me and I consciously know it.

As I write this, a memory of someone who once wrote something to me came to my mind. He had just broke up with his love of 3 years and was devastated. I sifted through my old papers and records and finally found it. What he wrote back then together with Freud’s thoughts makes so much of sense now. This is what he wrote:

“It’s like our whole time together flashed right before my eyes. I started to remember everything and reminiscing about it brought a fresh wave of pain in my heart. Hell, even if I had to do it all over again, I will go ahead and share those experiences with her. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before. Sure, it hurts like so damn painful but I never regretted knowing her and sharing those moments with her.”

“Something I never told you dude… The last time we met about some months back, I just held her in my arms for 10 minutes, put my head against her head and just hugged her silently, not a word exchanged between us. And as I held her, I prayed for her happiness and God’s peace to come upon her that she may continue her life well.”

“Raising my head, I looked down at her and saw her smile. I really knew then that she loved me. And that comforted me a lot even though she had wanted to break up with me. It comforted me that she was fine and I could see in her face that she loved me so much but yet, she wanted to live right and so I reluctantly let her go.”

“My heart was at peace, knowing that I did not lose her because she didn’t love me. In spite of it all, she still loved me and knowing that was enough for me. I guess after all that time, investment and heartfelt effort in our relationship – just knowing that she loved me gave me strength to let her go…”

“Sometimes, when you love someone so much, you let her go because you love her and you want her to be happy. Even if you are crying deep inside and even if you are hurting so damn badly, you just pick yourself up and move on. Because I feel if you love someone, you shouldn’t force her to be with you. Love is about giving freely and receiving freely the love from another….”

Yes, I understand him now. I thoroughly understand how he felt back then. I understand that I will always love her as she was my soul mate once. The experiences and things we shared together will never be the same if I had ever shared it with someone else. Her memories will always be with me and it will be cherished and kept safe deep within this soul for many decades to come. But I must come to terms that we are no more together and that I must set her free (both consciously and subconsciously) in order for me to be free. If I ever have a chance, I would like to tell her “I will always love you….Be happy and be free my love….” Although she may never read this blog or know of his, I hope she can still feel me now as how she used to once and understand that I have finally ‘released’ her from me, both consciously and subconsciously, so that she may be happy in her life, searching for the happiness she so much desires.

My dream today proved that I need to do this. Freud’s theory says that it is “disguised fulfillment of a repressed wish”. Coupled with my friends old mail to me on his past experience, all of these fit together perfectly. As I said, everything happens for a reason. The dream, my need for the analysis of the dream, the memory of my friends mail, everything. Until I let go of her, never will I ever be able to function normally, move on with my life and be free. I thought previously I had set her free. But that was done only at a conscious level. Today I do it both consciously and subconsciously. I hope she will always be happy and she find the happiness she seeks out there in this world.

I would like to end this blog entry with poem by Boyd titled “Dreams”. Boyd says “Within our dreams we are able to experience true love that surpasses even a master poet's rendering with the written word. The true realities of these dreams can even bring us to tears of loss, upon seeing the morning's first light; however, this strong delicacy of our dreams contains within - our past, our present - and what very well may come to be”. Beautiful. I hope you enjoy it reading it as much as I did.

Dreams

Love - it seems to me a dream

When twilight rests upon my brow

And fingers break the fragile skein

That separate the here from now

Atop a bed of silk so fair

‘Neath diamond starlight winks a'bright

Oh! Glorious eyes bold . . . I ensnared

Render wakefulness a futile plight

Luminous shines my pure white skin

Halo'd within a moonlit glow

Ethereal dreams don adoring grin

Cradle my body with lover's show

Sweet be mine upon this night

Where Chronos' rule traps us not

Within your arms, the dawn we'll fight

Nay, Loneliness! We deny our lot

Enrapture my senses dream lover mine

If only for our short short while

Let me taste pure love divine

Upon the lips of your tender smile

Alas - as dawn's light creeps slowly in

I am left with naught but a gentle tear

In remembrance of I . . . your arms within

Your strength abolishing my every fear

Love . . . it seems to me a dream

And I but a lonely twilight gleam.

-Nicole Boyd-

Goodnight my love…And thank you….

Of returning home after a long journey...

Of time and parents...

I am sitting at home presently. The house is all quiet except for occasional yelps and barks from my dogs outside. This is peaceful. The sound of flowing water from the fountain outside further releases this mind to think of the past and the future and what it may behold. This is where it all began. This home. This place. This spot. The same place where I fought with my parents on sibling equality, of fairness, where the plans for the future, which would be simmering in my mind, are put down into action plans, so that when I go back to the big city, I can materialize it. The same place where so many family memories have been forged in stone.

What is it about homes? Why does it always bring out the child from within? Why is it you feel so weak and yet so strong when you are back home? Is it because, here you are always safe? Is it because here everything will always be all right and there is always someone to depend on when you are in need? Alternatively, is it because there will be always be home cooked food when you are hungry? Strange. As far as I could remember, I always wanted to leave this peaceful haven and go out into the world to explore and experience. I left my home at the age of 18 and after more than a decade, here I sit at the same place thinking why did I leave to start with? From my travels, I know there is not much out there in the world. There is no safety, very little love and definitely very little trust. The world outside is not a nice place to live in, and that in itself is an understatement. Yet, I wanted to experience this first hand once. Must have been the urges of growing up. Now, if given the choice, I would gladly move to the countryside and start all over again. The present path I have carved out in my life professionally will never allow me to do that or take that option. At least I can take comfort that this home will always be here. A beacon of hope and refuge when things become overpowering for me in the world outside.

However, over the couple of days I have started to ask myself “For how long?” My parents are ageing. Though they may still perform the same job, (both are still working and they are nearing 60), sign of aging clearly shows in the faces and their movements. I dread the inevitable one day. It will come and it is fast approaching. This I can feel. How will I handle it? Question of your own mortality arises when you think how short a time you actually have in this world. I am 30 now and I will have another 30 years more before I am in the same boat as my parents. The past 30 years whizzed by faster than you can say ‘wow!’ It seems like it was just yesterday I rode my first BMX bicycle (8 years), has my first crush (12 years), my first proper relationship (16 years), my years in England (19-21 years), my first proper job (22 years), my years doing my post graduate degree (28 years) and now a consultant (30 years). How time has flown all these years! Where did it all go and why does have to go by so fast?

I can safely say most of us are very unappreciative of the time we have in our hands. We sleep, we spend time doing mundane things which benefits us in no way whatsoever (except for a temporary feeling of enjoyment) until a point of time when the question “I have so much of times on my hands. What shall I do now?” silently changes to “I have no time on my hand! Where am I going to squeeze the additional 2 or 3 hours? Less sleep?” Strange indeed. God gave us a healthy dose of time the day we entered into this world. We only question its existence when we are halfway through life and when you see the faces of your aging parents who, I am sure have come to terms with the whole mortality issue, and have begun preparation for silent departure when the time arises, making sure everything is in place for their children as they always have been doing.

I wish I could turn back time. I would have said ‘I love you and appreciate what you have done for me all this while” more to them, to help them out more in their times of need, to not burden them with my miniscule problems and issues, to help them raise my siblings, the list goes on and on. The fabric of time does not stand still for no one. This I have come to understand. The best I can do now is try to re-gain what time I have lost. I will be better towards my parents, show them more love, help them out a bit more, and tell them that they are indeed appreciated. I need to do this now, as they do not have much time left. The next 5 to 10 years will fly by and I will find myself truly alone in this world, for the first time, when the dreaded moment arrives. I will then have to carry on with my life for the next 30 years and hopefully, my children will have these same thoughts when I am 60 one day. Nice thing to hope for but not so many people are so lucky. I have been lucky to be blessed with the parent I have. This I have come to experience even today. This morning my aging dad woke me up before going off to work and gave me a cup of coffee in bed. The same thing he has been doing everyday since I was a young boy. A small gesture, which often overlooked, but it will always remain in my mind for the course of my natural existence. I only hope I can do the same for my children one day when I am that old.

Such is the cycle of life. I will be going to see the LORD later this evening. I need to this. I have moved far away from him in the past 6 months. I need reassurance that everything will be all right in the coming years for me and my family with all the turbulences I am facing at this junction of life. I hope he can help me out. I think he is the only one who actually can.