Of people and of trust...

Its been some time since I updated this blog with my normal rambling and thoughts. I am sitting at star bucks now and enjoying a lovely macchiato and some crumbly pastries as look back at the events that have unfolded in my life over the past two weeks. It has just started raining outside and as i sit and watch people scattering around searching for cover from this sudden downpour, I reminisce over the past few days. It has been a busy fortnight, both at the office as well as my personal life. With tons of paperwork to catch up on, most days and nights were spend screening and researching through facts & figures to develop a 5 year strategy for for a local GLC linked DFI. Had a very lovely time last weekend with my colleagues, in the clear blue skies and crystal clear waters of Pangkor. Had a lotsa fun. We freaked out! We sure were the noisiest crowd among the other departments in the firm.

On a personal sentiment, a thought came to me in the last few days so I’m penning it down now to eternalize it here. The strongest of these thought was one, which I value the most and have lived with since I was young. “TRUST”. Being an evangelist for trust for so long, perhaps it would be a good time to define the word in depth so that people know what my perception of trust is. Only then clear articulation and understanding of the word is accomplished. Trust indicates a “A depth and a sense of assurance that is based on strong but not logically-conclusive evidence or based on the character, ability, or truth that someone or something has shown over time or across situations”. A textbook definition but it does reveal a lot. Trust makes for a sense of being safe or of being free of fear, enough so that one's focus can be on other matters because that matter is taken care of. It becomes easier to simply enjoy life.

In that respect, I say:

-No human is totally trustworthy.

-No human is totally untrustworthy.

-No human can always trust themselves.

-No human is totally trusting of any one other person.

Trust is a big risk. We leave ourselves open for loss. Betrayal of trust hurts so much because the lost sense of security multiplies the damage. When it this the case, do many people know what is trust? On who to trust? Or do they know how to honor the trust projected onto them? After this fortnight, I seriously do not think people do. To these people, I would like to pose some serious questions to ponder:

1) Is trust really worth the effort?

2) Is trust really needed when in this present time when it is not valued anymore?

3) Has trust become a just commodity ? If it has, what is the price we pay to abuse it?

Different people will have different answer to these questions. To these questions, I answer the following:

1) Yes, trust is a personal value given to another person as a gift. It does not matter the other person appreciates or abuses it. It is you who give this honorable gift away to value the relationship that exists between the persons. By giving trust, it is you that feels the essence of the world in yourself. You set yourself free. Though you are open and vulnerable, yet you will feel joy in you heart. Is that not a precious feeling in return for trusting someone and getting hurt?

2) Trust will always be needed. For those who abuse this, there are serious repercussions that will follow. I always believe in karma. If you do good, you will receive good. If you do bad, the badness is amplified many times over before it comes back to you. This has been my belief in my life. Forget about the age and time and the people who live in it. This point today, this time, place, year, this century is but a tiny fragment of a point in the eternal fabric of time. Trust has been around for a much longer time and it will always be here. This society as we know it now will not, and a new society will evolve from the ruins of this as it has for centuries. The evolution of nations still follow Darwinism theory of evolution. Trust prevails in the end and never losses because of one very basic and simple premise: It was built on a unshakable foundation. The foundation of GOD. “As it was in the beginning, so shall it be in the end”

3) Trust has become a commodity for some people who tend to abuse or take opportunity of it. However, the price you pay in the end is, in my normal words and tone: “You will suffer for it one day”. Forget about burning in hell for all eternity for the sin you committed. That will only happen, if it ever happens, in the very end. For now, try to live with these thoughts of your abuse of the trust given to you in your conscience. How long will you live with it? Can you live with it to start with? Was it worth it?

The foundation of which trust was built on has slowly been eroded by the narcissistic values implored and spread into the very fabric of human existence in this present age. Ziggy Marley puts this nicely by saying "You must wondering what type of creature is man?” The value of trust will only be realised over a long time and somehow it sickens me to see this trust being abused or taken for granted. However, this is what our society has become now. A jungle where values such as trust tend not to exist, or at the very most, exist at a superficial level which is easily overlooked when the right opportunity arises. These will people pay for it with their souls in the end. With this, I end this blog entry with a song that is playing in my mind now:

Dragonfly

Everybody is worried about time,

But I just keep that shit off my mind,

People living on 24 hours clocks,

But we’re on a ride that never stops.

=====

Hey mister! Be the world changes but you remain the same,

and I hope you all survive with the environment going down the drain,

Hey miss dragonfly, I see you look at me with your beautiful eyes,

You must be wondering what kind of creature am I,

Dog looked at me and said Ziggy why can’t we trust man?

Puss and me got together, why can’t you all just understand,

An old tree stood there silently listening to every word we said

As a tear fell, he cried: what type of creature is man?

=====

I said hey mister! see the world changed but you remain the same,

And I wonder how you survive with the environment going down the drain,

Hey miss butterfly, I see you look at me with your beautiful eyes,

You mush be wondering what type of creature am I,

You must be wondering what type of creature is man.
-Ziggy Marley-

We live in this world only once. Live it. Trust is a precious gift, which YOU give. Never stop giving that gift even though it has been abused in the past. Be true to yourself. Continue giving it people. It does set you free. It does give you joy. This I can tell you. This I have come to experience.

Of dancing...

I went out last night for a quiet drink. The DJ played some lovely ol’ oldies and the music slowly got me swaying. And then it happened. I started to dance. Like how I used to once. With no care for in the world. Just me and the music. How could I forget the simple pleasures in life like dancing for so long? Sort of figured it out. I've always got this thing about memories. I tend to never forget. I am not sure whether this is a blessing or a curse and I have seen it work in both ways. I suppose I stopped dancing for some time now because it brought back a lot of old memories. Memories which I think I have buried deeply both in my heart and in my mind. But yesterday, it all came flooding back to me. But I didn’t care. Thats just what they are. Memories. Of things and emotions experienced in the past. I danced yesterday both to remember and and put to rest the memories within. To be in peace with my inner self again.

It did feel strange but it was worth it. It felt good to actually dance again without feeling sadness and hatred in the heart. Just peacefulness. The one-ness with the music, the body, the heart and the soul. To hear and feel the songs that has been with me in many different stages in my life, in many different parts of the world. These songs were always there in the past, it is still here and I have no doubt that it will still be there in the coming future. Some things choose the remains constants in my life and some just don't. I would equate these songs to that of a fixed boulder in a flowing raging river. The water is constantly flowing but the boulder remains. Knowing this sort of gave me some relief that some things will remain as they are in my life and some things will change. Hey! things are going to be fine after all. That was good to know.

The boulder-river metaphor can also be used to describe the people around us in our lives. The people change. Different people walk in and out of our lives everyday. Some stay with us through our life journeys. Others come along for some parts of the journey and then disembark when they reach their destination. Still others momentarily come into our lives to show us or guide us in time when we need help. Very few actually stay the full course of the journey. Those that do will finally experience something like no other in the end. A feeling of one-ness. Some are just not lucky enough to experience that. These were the thoughts that ran through my mind last night. Quite strange things to ponder in a noisy pub, but to me at that time, all the din and racket was filtered out. I could only hear my inner voice, the thoughts, the music and the sight of people dancing. I can safely say that the culprit of a song that started the the flow of thoughts was non-other than:

I can see clearly now,
the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin?
forIt’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin?
but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin?
but blue skies

I can see clearly now,
the rain is gone,I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day.
-Johnny Nash-

It was lovely to feel alive again. To not have the feelings of the past. I actually sat and wondered what happened to me all this time. Why did I ever stop dancing? Why did I stop the one thing that has always given me freedom? I think I figured it out now. I tend to absorb the beauty around me. To live is to feel. I think I just stopped doing that. I became blind to the small things and started living in my own cocoon (self made may I add and have grown to become very accustomed to it). By dancing again yesterday, I broke that mould. I felt free once more.

I also finally admited something to myself. That I DO enjoy dancing immensely! and irrespective of how old I become (Hey, Im sure I have at least 30 years ahead of me before I get onto that train), I will still dance. I am still very much alive today and have so much to look forward to in the coming years. New people, experiences and places are coming at me at breakneck speed and I just have to enjoy the journey and the experiences. In the end, dancing will be the only thing that will keep me sane through all of this. It was what kept me sane till now from my previous experiences. It is still the only thing that will keep me rooted and yet still show me that I am indeed a free being. A very precious feeling indeed. It was a good night yesterday.

Of darkness...

Darkness of Mine
In the darkness, the abyss of shadows, where stillness resides,
Grave silence envelopes the being, and all time stands still,
Unmasked emotions are unleashed, smells of yesteryears abound,
Here, hope once existed, and dreams of the future were born,
In this darkness, where now there is no more sound.

Where I do go? What do I do? Where do I head?
Questions of my very existence rises from deep within,
And a thousand reasons and denials envelopes the being,
Of words unsaid, deeds undone, and of thoughts unspoken,
In this silent darkness, the tortured mind ceases to sing.

The darkness is consuming, the peacefulness overwhelming,
Memories engraved in stone, images burned into the heart,
Thoughts overpowering, intensifying, within this mind of mine,
Of the days of loving and sharing, days in the distant past,
In this silent darkness, faith and love, will you not shine?

The days I miss, when there was comfort, when there was light,
When all was good, joyful, and when the directions were set,
Knowing where my life would lead, through the valley of sadness,
To reach the peaks of the mountain, to the summits of glory,
To able to fly once more, once again, to find my happiness.

My feeble mind attempts to comprehend,
Of memories and hearts from the past, of past tears shed,
Of redemption, of forgiveness, of faith, of my last demise,
Where once freedom flew, of what once was, of what is no more,
Of the past hugs, the smiles, and of the last lingering kiss.

Release me! from here, where the slaughtering silence resides,
To the place where joy lives, and shattered hearts heal,
The place where thoughts cease to exist, where I may again shine,
To where lost souls go, and tortured sinners are redeemed,
Release me! to a place far away from this silent darkness of mine.

-EK-

Of searching...

The melody infused me, jarring at the core,

In my stillness, I was jolted to memories long ago,

Of happiness and sorrow of a lost rapport,

And the joy of rediscovering the impermanence of woe.

The given name ill-fits the divinity of One,

Omnipotent identity that needs no dividing line,

I am trying to re-establish, with all its permutations around,

of a one-ness with the One that I can again call mine.

-The Tripping Goddess -

A very interesting person left a reply in the form of a very good poem for my previously posted 'Sweet Lady' poem. I have published the poem above together with a picture obtained from her blog (I hope she doesn't mind. It fits the poem above) so that it can be immortalized next to my 'Sweet Lady'.

I thank this person for her lovely poem, and would like to respond in the form of a song below which always tugs at my heart because of its basic simplicity and yet the depth of its words. I chose this song in response to the above posted picture, of a person in the dark, staring deeply into a flickering flame, searching of thoughts far away and in a state of serene tranquility and peacefulness.

The picture is symbolic of the thoughts that run through every single person's minds of the uncertainties of the future, of where we have been in the past, of what we have done and what we are going to do, of the myriad of emotions that tug at our hearts in all directions, of the blinding darkness around us, and of hope that there is always light even in our darkest hours. It also serves to symbolize that even in our constant flux of thoughts, peacefulness and serenity still exist to produce a state of ones-ness with the LORD.

Looking
My frustration won’t subside,
I’ve been tried time after time,
But it’s not my style to quit, there’s more to life than this,
In obscurity or fame, we’re all playing this game,
Searching for something, searching for something.

Saturday in the morning and the rain keep falling,
Brother didn’t get no sleep now he’s really feeling beat,
But there is no time to waste as the devil tests his faith,
He walks away, with a mission to complete.

She has her hand on her jaw as she wonders away,
What will tomorrow bring,
Will her dreams just disappear?
She finds words are hard to say so she prays everyday,
She must find a way, may the pieces fall in place.

Looking, looking, looking, you will find,
Find you will be fine.

-Ziggy Marley--16.09.12

I hope she likes the song and has a chance to listen to it one day. Thank you Goddess...

Of a sweet lady...

Sweet lady
Sweet lady in black, sitting alone, lost in your world of thoughts,
While the world revolves around you, yet still you do not see,
While the music deafens the ears, you sit in your peacefulness,
What thoughts are those? this will you not share with me?

Your eyes speak of old bitter sadness, of journeys from the past,
Of anguishes and of wars lost, what was your part?
Yet still, a tiny flicker of a sparkle still exists, protected,
Somewhere deep, deep down within your heart.

You danced, swirled, with your eyes closed and your heart open,
You looked up to the lord, your arms stretch out wide, searching for relieve,
Was it HIS forgiveness you seeked? Or was it the lord’s strength you required?
HE watched, HE listened, and HE was there, this you have to believe.

In your anguish, with your head bowed, you teared silently,
Of painful numbing moments, of people and of thoughts of the past
Bonded by the chains of nostalgia, this you seek to shatter,
So that you may smile again, once more, and find your freedom at last

This world is cruel, it does not cry with you,
Do not tear sweet lady, do not despair
Amidst the pain, hope still rises, it never really dies
It was just shrouded by despair, through its very core,
It will find you once more, seek you out,
So that you, sweet lady, may tear no more

-EK-

Of "Till death do us part"...

“Till death do us part”. A promise of faith made in the presence of the lord. A sacred promise between 2 people that binds them together for life through the good and the bad, a sacred promise of fidelity and commitment. A declaration which was meant for eternity, or least for the duration of a normal person’s lifespan. However, it has become a declaration not meant for the time we live in nor do many people actually practice it. Is this not sad?

Something that was true for so many generations has slowly ceased to exist in reality in the fast paced world of today. The declaration has been reduced, to best, mere words people promise each other for one day of their lives but never perform the duties and the responsibilities that come with it. They smile and some even get emotional at that moment of time, but its value does not linger. For it to linger, it has to be engraved deeply into the heart. It has to be engraved through everything we do and say. It has to be reflected and constantly re-visited for its meaning and value. It has to serve as a foundation and support in confronting every foreseeable situation and still radiate strongly. It has to stand the test of time and man. You must have to have faith in it.

But look around you today. How many people you can see actually perform this? Sincerely perform this from the heart and not just show it on the exterior? People say it, but when the very next opportunity of attraction arises, they jump into someone else’s bed and lives and carry on with little or no regret of the declarations they once made and of its value. Do not be fooled for very few still believe in eternal love. They would like to believe they do and strive to find it in their lives but never really do.

The few that do still do, still believe in fairy tales, in happy endings, in the "handsome prince saving the princess" and that “they lived happily ever after”. The few that still believe that faith has a hand in everything we do and it guides us in our lives. The few that still believe that love is eternal, and not just a commodity to given, shared and passed from one person to another when the right opportunity arises or when things get too hard to handle. To these people, I salute you for you have reached a height of enlightenment to fully value “Till death do us part”.

For the rest, it is just words uttered in the presence of the lord. It does not have any value or true meaning for they believe that the future is what you make of it and eternal promises like this do not carry value. They believe that if you do not like the situation or the person you are with, change the situation or the person or just run away from it. I believe that life is too short to be constantly running away. To this genre of people, I wish you all the best in sustaining your future relationships for you have no value of eternal love and trust nor will you ever be able to appreciate the beauty that comes with it as it matures over the years and decades. You do not have faith in the words of “Till death do us part”.

I still choose to believe in these words and its meaning and that pure and sincere love still exists in this numbing world, surpasses all others and never really dies. That it is still eternal and will always be. That it can be suppressed but never really ceases to exist. It just creeps deeper into the darkest crevices on the heart, sits there and waits patiently for its next awakening and flight. It will re-surface one day when you least expect it to and catch you unexpectedly from behind. At that moment of time, the person who made you feel emotions of that depth for you to say “Till death do us part” will not be around anymore. I will let faith guide my journey. Let it be my folly. Let it be my downfall. But I choose to have faith in the words of “Till death do us part”.

A thought..

Came across something a few days ago and it struck a chord with me. From experience, this is very true..

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations --Kahlil Gibran

Issues of the Mind and Heart...

Of Joys and Sorrows...(04/07/06)
Something I would like to share with a certain someone who took the trouble to leave me a comment on my blog today. It is my hope that you will see what you are experiencing now through these lenses...

Joy and Sorrow
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
-Kahlil Gibrahn-

Of love...(02/07/06)
When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in thier clinging to the earth. Like the sheaves of corn he agthers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you free from your husks. He grids you to whiteness. He kneads you till you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for god's sacred feast. All these thigns shall love do unto you that you may know the secrests of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, the ti is better for you to cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seansonless world where you shall laugh but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "god is in my heart," but rather, "i am in the heart of god." And think not you can direst the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings it's melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
-Kahlil Gibrahn-

Of memories... (02/07/06)
Today I finally completely moved out from my old house. As I was walked out the door for the last time, I turned back and looked at my place of dwelling for the past 3 years. In this home, so many memories were made. Love, hope and inspirations for the future were forged and built. Anger, resentment, pain were discovered here. It was a place where 2 people had shared and made it their home with no qualms. They loved madly and fought endlessly. These 2 people have ceased to exist as one, with each leading separate lives now.

However, in this home, which I close the door to today, will always remain close to my heart as a place of tenderness, peace and tranquillity, a place where an abundance of human emotions conquered all known logic and won, and where 2 people had loved, forged and planned a bright future together. Many hopes were born in this home. My faith in God was re-ignited here, a place where a girl transcended from her teenage years into adulthood to the woman she is today, where she went from being a student into a working adult, the place where I experienced my first Christmas Tree and the spirit of Christmas, the place where I completed my MBA successfully, where I would cook again after many years and feed the one I loved, where we used to dance to reggae music while drinking red wine early hours of the morning. It was a place where our bed was always warm and a person always available to hold you tight and snuggle up to when you fall sleep night and where there were glowing fluorescent stars above our bed which would sing us lullabies to sleep.

I started writing poetry again in this home, where I experienced deep emotions I though that were long dead inside of me, where I knew of "angels" where we survived during our tough times on a meagre wage with hardly enough money to eat, where I learned what is meant to 'have faith' and where a future lawyer and a consultant were born.The list goes on and on. It chokes me even now to think of all the good times and memories we experienced here. There were so many firsts for the both of us in this home of ours. Though no more, this home shall remain for many years in the minds and the hearts of these 2 people involved and the experiences and emotions felt there will serve as a reminder that it is possible that one heart can live in 2 bodies and surpass all else. A faithful reminder that love is an emotion so strong that mere words and actions will never be able to describe the depth of its gifts or the beauty of its radiance. A reminder that pain can be so deep that even the vast oceans could never contain it. But it also serves as a reminder and beacon that love and hope can shine bright even in our darkest hours when 2 souls have melted into one and anything was possible.

As I walked away from my old home, I look back with a heavy heart, with a small tear swelling in my eye, with a basketful of emotions, and with one thought on my mind, "I have tasted and experienced what bliss and undying love feels like”. I will let it find me once more. I will re-build a new home where these old memories will serve as a guiding force and foundation for all that will be in the future. This I will do. For me and for the one who loved me once, for she will always have my heart with her.

Matters of the heart...(30/6/06)
Is it true that one heart can live in 2 separate bodies? Strange as it may seem, I have come to experience it. As long as love shall exist in this world, as long as emotions and care exist, so shall this statement be true as a holy gift to the masses. It is a moment in time when few people are so lucky to exist to experience it. Although always never permanent, its flight takes off the minute you meet the person, just through the eyes. Where the heart and the mind is in harmony, for one brief moment, one moment in time, where 2 hearts melts and everything is right in this world. When every senses within the body is awaken to the calling of the reason for your birth. Is this not divine?

And it grows. It grows and matures till it reaches the deepest and darkest corners of the heart and yet still the mind tries to reason. Is this right? Is this true? Is this permanent? It tugs at your very being and directs your path in life from that time forth. It changes the way you view the world and of people and the reason for your very existence. Strange yet true and yet still sad. Why should there be an experience as such when it is only momentarily. Is is to allow the human being to feel bliss and to prove such bliss does exist? Or is it a cruel game that humans beings have to experience to reach a higher point of enlightenment? This I have felt and I still feel now. Though alone now, this heart still lives in 2 bodies as it always will.

Of Minds and Hearts...(24/6/06)
where'd you go'? Heard the new song from Fort Minor and it got me all thinking on how absolutely true it is. As the male singer sings of a love who he has given up hope on, yet in the background, the background singers sing 'I miss you so'. As my title says, the being is in a state of constant flux because the mind cannot decide what the heart yearns for. For the heart controls the emotional factors of the mind whereas the mind controls the logical factors of the being. The mind says no yet the mouth says yes due to the longings of the heart.

Al Pacino says this very well in the movie, 'The Devil's Advocate', the irony of things is when you can see but cannot touch, touch but cannot feel, feel but cannot taste, taste but cannot swallow'. Maybe its just the basics of being humans where logic reasoning has come to play an important role in the society that is constantly evolving and yet we want to be guided by the heart to make fulfilling and meaningful decisions in our everyday lives. Decisions which we can look back one day and congraculate ourselves by saying 'I pursued that full-heartedly eventhough it was not a logical at that time. Confusing, complex or do we ourselves make things complicated?

Strange things...(24/6/06)
Strange things happen to the most unlikely people. I met up with 2 close buddies this morning and they got mugged last night by a group of transvestites. 2 males get mugged by a group of half-males. How much weirder can things get? My advice to them: Never go a wandering in places where males (half-males to be exact) walk around in dresses and call the place their home if you are not street-smart enough to do so. The mind says not to go and yet the heart says go. In this battle, the heart won and these guys ended up losing quite a large sum of cash they were carrying.